The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
