My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
FUCK WHALES
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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