I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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