Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
