Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
