It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
