im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
