What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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