it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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