i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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