had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
