My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We got so high we made milksteak
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
