at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
