I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
