I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
