Why does Corona taste like a burp?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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