my vag is so smooth its legendary
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
