Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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