i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
