He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
