I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
