DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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