I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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