i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
