he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
