Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
