the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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