I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
