No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
