do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just found puke in my bra..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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