so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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