Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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