she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
