drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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