she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize