i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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