I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
