I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
