so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
