Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
