I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
