Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
