I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
