Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
