im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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