I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
