Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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