I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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