My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
