I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
