I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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