I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
