I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
