The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
