just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
