So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
