Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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