Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
