Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
