Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize