I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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