You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
