Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
